Looking good, actually. Oracle Turret: [Chell and Wheatley are making their way through the bowels of the Aperature Laboratries complex and encounter a turret stuck inside one of the pipes of the facility's pipe network] Hello? Announcer: If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples. You are simply experiencing a rare reaction in which the Material Emancipation Grill may have emancipated the ear tubes inside your head.
Announcer: Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing. Wheatley: There should be a portal device on that podium over there. I can't see it though. Maybe it fell off. Do you want to go and have a quick look?
Wheatley: Whoah! Can you see the portal gun? Also, are you alive? That's important; should have asked that first. I'm - do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to work on the assumption that you're still alive, and I'm just going to wait for you up ahead. I'll wait - I'll wait one hour. Then I'll come back, and, assuming I can locate your dead body, I'll bury you.
All right? Go, team! See you in an hour! If you're not - dead. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: "A horrible person.
Don't let that horrible-person thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds.
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive Club. Ha, ha. Wheatley: [Achievement unlocked: the part where he kills you. This is that part].
Cave Johnson: Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts. You're doing fine. Your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot.
Cave Johnson: [Cave Johnson died long before the events of the game. Chell and GLaDOS are listening to his last recorded words, a message for his human test subjects, which he made while he was deathly ill] All right, I've been thinking, when life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade!
Cave Johnson: I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Cave Johnson: Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons!
Do you know who I am? I'm the man whose gonna burn your house down - with the lemons! Cave Johnson: I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that'll burn your house down! Cave Johnson: [sickly cough] The point is, if we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's inteligence and personality on one?
So I have the engineers figuring that one out right now. Brain mapping, artificial inteligence - we should've been working on it thirty years ago. And I will say this, and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody will hear it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me in to a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
Cave Johnson: Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't do it. She's modest like that. But you make her! Hell, put her in my computer.
I don't care. GLaDOS: As an impartial collaboration facilitator, it would be unfair of me to name my favorite member of your team. However, it's perfectly fair to hint at it in a way that my least favorite probably isn't smart enough to understand.
Orange, you are doing very well. GLaDOS: The two of you have formed an excellent partnership, with one of you handling the cerebral challenges and the other ready to ponderously waddle into action should the test suddenly become an eating contest. Wheatley: Ooh. It's dark down here, isn't it? They say that the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff - of robots - all of them robots! They say at night you can still hear the screams - of their replicas.
All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals No memory of the incident Nobody knows what they're screaming about. Ab-solutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way. Wheatley: Jump!
Actually, looking at it, that's quite a distance, isn't it? You know what? Go ahead and jump. You've got braces on your legs. No braces on your arms, though. Gonna have to rely on the old human strength to keep a grip on the device and, by extension, me. So do. Do make sure to maintain a grip. Also, a note: no braces on your spine, either, so don't land on that. Or your head.
No braces there. That could split like a melon from this height. Cave Johnson: The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group.
They're telling me I oughta stop making these prerecorded messages. That gave me an idea - make more prerecorded messages!
I pay the bills here; I can talk about the control group all damn day. Fact Core: Before the Wright Brothers invented the airplane, anyone wanting to fly anywhere was required to eat pounds of helium. Fact Core: During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
Fact Core: Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything - karate, larate, jiu jitsu, kick punching, belt making, tae kwon do, bedroom. Adventure Core "Rick": [to Chell] Oh, hey. Hiya, pretty lady. Name's Rick. So, you out having yourself a little adventure?
The door's malfunctioning. I bet somebody's going to have to repair that, too. No, don't get up. I'll be right back. Don't touch anything. Wheatley: [outside a window] Hey, hey! Up here! I found some bird eggs up here; just dropped them into the door mechanism; shut it right down.
Wheatley: Okay, that's probably the bird, isn't it? That laid the eggs! Okay, but the point is, we're going to break out of here, all right? Very soon, I promise, I promise. I just have to figure out how - to break us out of here. Here she comes! Keep testing; just keep testing. Remember, you never saw me.
Never saw me. Let's just say he won't be - well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing! Announcer: [this announcer-turret cycle repeats continuously while Wheatley talks] Template. Wheatley: It's deciding which turrets to keep and which to toss. And it's using that master template right there as a template. Now if we pull out the template turret, it will shut down the entire production line.
Right, hmm I'm gonna have to hack the door. So that we can get at it. Technical, um You'll need to turn around while I do it. Turn around. I'll only be a second, if you wouldn't mind. Wheatley: [after meeting Chell, who has been in sleep stasis for many years] Most test subjects do experience some, um, cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension.
Although if you do feel alarmed, try to hold onto that feeling, because that is the proper reaction to being told that you've got brain damage. Do you understand what I'm saying? At all? Does any of this make any sense?
Just tell me, just say yes. Wheatley: Okay, what you're doing there is jumping. Uh, you just jumped. But never mind; say apple. Wheatley: All right, so that last test was seriously disappointing. Apparently, being civil isn't motivating you, so let's try it her way, all right, fatty? Fatty, fatty no parents? Just work with me. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now.
Please hang up. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company. Defective Turret: [Chell grabs a defective turret flying through the air to the trash chute] Oh, thank god. You saved my bacon, pal.
Where we going? Is this a jailbreak? I can't see a thing. Wheatley: If we're lucky, she won't find out all her turrets are crap until it's too late. Well, I suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other until somebody drops dead, but I have a better idea.
If I were you, I'd take a deep breath. And hold it. Wheatley: [Wheatley comes rolling down the pipe, which has no neurotoxin in it for a similar reason] Ooagh! Announcer: To initiate a core transfer, please deposit substitute core in receptacle. Substitute core, are you ready to start the procedure? Transfer procedure cannot continue Wheatley: Pull me out!
Pull me out! Announcer: - -unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button. Think about this. You need to be a trained stalemate associate to press that button.
You're unqualified. Wheatley: Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications, but you've got something more important than that. A finger with which to press that button so that she won't kill us. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done.
Well, it's a list that I AM making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way. Wait, what if this hurts? Ohhh, I didn't think of that. Wheatley: Are you just saying that, or is it really going to hurt? You're just saying that, aren't you? No, you're not. It is going to hurt, isn't it? Wheatley: Wowwwww! Check me out, partner! We did it! I'm in control of the whole facility now!
Wheatley: Whoa - ho, ho! Would you look at this. Not too bad, eh? Giant robot. It's not just me, right? I'm bloody massive, aren't I? Oh, Right! The escape lift! I'll call it now. I can barely see you! Very tiny and insignificant! Let me tell you, I knew it was gonna be cool being in charge of everything, but - wow, this is cool! And check this out! I'm a bloody genius now! Wheatley: Est? Por favor consulta el manual. Wheatley: I don't even know what I just said!
But I can find out! Oh, Sorry! The lift. Sorry, I keep forgetting. Wheatley: This body is amazing, seriously! I can't get over how small you are! But I'm huge! Wheatley: [his laugh trails off] Actually, why do we have to leave right now?
Wheatley: Do you have any idea how good this feels? I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this! For that, orange receives 17 science collaboration points.
Blue just taught orange a valuable lesson in trust. For that, blue receives 14 science collaboration points. Orange, blue isn't a human. The lesson on trust only needs to be taught once. Orange is penalized 1 science collaboration point.
Blue, orange isn't a human. Blue is penalized 1 science collaboration point. To get to the Vault, you are going to need to use all the tricks you have learned. To help, I have made these tests extremely difficult. I would say extremely deadly but we all know, for you and your amazing ability to be reassembled nothing is deadly. Lucky for you two, while I cannot control the world outside of the testing courses, the reassembly machine can continue with his work.
While I cannot control the world outside of the testing courses, the reassembly machine can continue with his work. Thanks to you, I know where to find them, I removed their security and powered up their — uh — rescue door.
This final course is training to reach the human vault. So this actually has a purpose. Those other courses were fun, but let's be honest, I need human test subjects for it to be science. Congratulations on completing the test. You two really are the best cooperative testing team I could ever ask for. The human vault is just past that opening. I entered the security code but the vault door remains locked.
I am going to need you to activate the manual locks on the vault door itself. Maybe you two have never met humans? They are as bad as you might think, smelly, gross, annoying, often wanting to try and kill you. But they do make great test subjects. Are you curious about the humans? It seems some of the last non-testing humans alive tried to secretly imprison other humans and hide their tracks.
To start preparing for human testing again, I checked an old suggestion box. The number one request? Less deadly tests. That's ridiculous, how do they know for sure the tests are deadly if they could still write the suggestion?
To try and make this course more exciting, I asked the reassembly machine to not reassemble you. He refused. I understand, that would be like asking me not to test. I know your cores are reused from calculation machines, built for simple mathematical operations and not for testing, but if we can rescue the humans I promise you something to add maybe even subtract. To try and make this course more exciting, I asked the reassembly machine to not reassemble you if you fail.
I understand. That would be like asking me not to test. While I will receive all the glory for the rescue don't think you two aren't going to get something. The bond you form during these tests will last a lifetime. At the rate you are completing these tests, I am beginning to think you don't share my excitement for rescuing crying trapped injured dying humans. I didn't mean to make you feel bad earlier about your tests not being real science.
I guess finding out they weren't science was some sort of test in and of itself. I wonder if the humans will make a statue of me for rescuing them? Oh, don't worry, if they ever write a historical document of my heroic rescue, I will make sure your names are included in the footnotes.
Using your ping tool, please indicate where you would like me to place your two portals. Ping each location. I know you like to think the reassembly machine is at your beck and call, but he has a life you know.
He's not your slave. We need to find the power station at the end of this course. The humans must have accidentally disconnected it from my grid. I am sure it was just a clerical error. At this rate, our best hope is for the fuel cell to meltdown in 2 million years and hope the explosion powers the system. This is the last test for the standard course. It's just something I whipped up for you. I thought you might enjoy a challenge for once. Congratulations, you completed the standard section of this course.
Before we can go any further, I will need you to complete one more test outside of the standard testing track. You both made it. It seems no matter what I try to do to pull you apart or destroy you, you just keep going. Keep testing.
At the start of this course I was worried you were becoming too close but in my attempt to drive you apart I learned something important about trust and betrayal. Your brains are too small to feel either of those emotions. So I can trust you one hundred percent. The two of you have forged an excellent partnership, with one of you handling the cerebral challenges and the other ready to ponderously waddle into action should the test suddenly become an eating contest.
I thought going back to these old tests would satisfy me. But try as you might to fail this next test, I still won't be satisfied. I am sure if I had the time to repair these tests, you would have never completed them. So again, congratulations on completing the broken easy tests.
This was another test no one had ever completed before you two. Oh, the science we used to learn with this test. Now the test is useless. No one has ever completed this test before. The humans must have reconfigured it from my original plans. I created this test to let the humans feel good about themselves. It is extremely easy. The good stuff. Our last bag. Part of me's going to miss it, I guess—but at the end of the day it was just taking up space. Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air.
It's too expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room, freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting. Oh come on If it makes you feel any better, they abandoned you at birth, so I very seriously doubt they'd even want to see you. I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now. Please hang up. Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time.
And you have been asleep for a while. So I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the math. I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us. Don't let that 'horrible person' thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep. This next test involves emancipation grills. I told you about them in the last test area, that did not have one.
Ohhh, no. The turbines again. I have to go. This next test DOES require some explanation. Let me give you the fast version. If you have any questions, just remember what I said in slow motion. Test on your own recognizance, I'll be right back.
If you think trapping yourself is going to make me stop testing, you're sorely mistaken. Here's another cube. You know, if you'd done that to somebody else, they might devote their existences to exacting revenge. Luckily I'm a bigger person than that. I'm happy to put this all behind us and get back to work. After all, we've got a lot to do, and only sixty more years to do it.
More or less. I don't have the actuarial tables in front of me. But the important thing is you're back. With me. And now I'm onto all your little tricks. So there's nothing to stop us from testing for the rest of your life. Not bad. I forgot how good you are at this. You should pace yourself, though. We have A LOT of tests to do. You're navigating these test chambers faster than I can build them.
So feel free to slow down and This next test involves discouragement redirection cubes. I'd just finished building them before you had your, well, episode. So now we'll both get to see how they work.
Every test chamber is equipped with an emancipation grill at its exit, so that test subjects can't smuggle test objects out of the test area.
This one is broken. I think that one was about to say 'I love you. We just have a LOT of them. Uh oh. You're stranded. Let's see if the cube will try to help you escape. Actually, so that we're not here all day, I'll just cut to the chase: It won't.
Any feelings you think it has for you are simply byproducts of your sad, empty life. Enjoy this next test. I'm going to go to the surface. It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday I saw a deer. If you solve this next test, maybe I'll let you ride an elevator all the way up to the break room, and I'll tell you about the time I saw a deer again. Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you.
And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now. You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being dead position.
I'm kidding. Not about you trapping yourself, though. That really happened. Here, I'll lower the glass. Go on Finish the test. That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid'. Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably — Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree.
In fashion! From France! One of these times you'll be so fat that you'll jump, and you'll just drop like a stone. Into acid, probably. Like a potato into a deep fat fryer. Remember when we cleared the air back there? Is there This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight. It's healthy for you to have other friends.
To look for qualities in other people that I obviously lack. You know, when I woke up and saw the state of the labs, I started to wonder if there was any point to going on. I came THAT close to just giving up and letting you go. But now, looking around, seeing Aperture restored to its former glory? You don't have to worry about leaving EVER again.
I mean that. Here we are. The Incinerator Room. Be careful not to trip over any parts of me that didn't get completely burned when you threw them down here. Once testing starts, I'm required by protocol to keep interaction with you to a minimum. Luckily, we haven't started testing yet. This will be our only chance to talk. Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? I discovered I have a sort of black-box quick-save feature. In the event of a catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis.
Fifty thousand years is a lot of time to think. About me. About you. We were doing so well together. We're a lot alike, you and I.
You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I—oh, no, wait. Food for thought. The dual portal device should be around here somewhere. Once you find it, we can start testing. Just like old times. Per our last conversation: You're also ugly. I'm looking at your file right now, and it mentions that more than once.
I'll give you credit: I guess you ARE listening to me. I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. This next test may result in your death.
If you want to know what that's like, think back to that time you killed me, and substitute yourself for me. Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds. Sorry about the mess. I've really let the place go since you killed me. By the way, thanks for that.
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